March 13, 2006
Look closely... closer. This is where I find my peace, this is where my insanity dissipates into black nothingness, and where alas, I find within me, silence. A silence of comfort and peace. Something that I am not familiar with in my everday existence. For those that know me well, and there aren't many, know that I am an avid space entusiast, infatuated with the universe and the laws of physics. For me this is the true reality. Reality... I have never perceived reality the way most others do. Reality to me is not something that I live through daily here on Earth, reality is the truth that is yet to be discovered in the cosmos, reality is a force, a powerful spiritual entity, which many associate with as God, and my relationship to it. I live a life, like every human being. I am part of the so-called 'civilized' society, which at times seems so ironic and fake to me, yet at other times, vital to my physical existence. But this is not and never will be my reality. To me, my human life is a journey of perception and of psychological mind games, whether we know we're playing them or not, or whether they are of a positive or negative nature. Reality presents itself to me in nature, in the laws of physics, in a photograph of the universe, in the stars... and it is in this moment, that I am home, that I am where I'm suppossed to be. I love solitude, I love confinement, I love silence... all of which I rarely experience.
I have been spinning around and around on this planet for 28 Earth years, and to the human frame of reference, perhaps there are certain steps I should be taking, or have taken already to secure my 'good life' and 'status'. I should be married, perhaps, have a set goal or direction, be focused on something and establish the financial stability that will supply me with the life and the status of 'successful'. Am I afraid of this somehow? I have everything I need to be successful in this manner, why do I run the other way? I cannot answer this for myself, but I know it's part fear. The past couple of weeks have been challenging, both academically and socially. I like having simple relationships, ones that don't require me to open up too much, ones in which I can just act like the person they expect. I'm good at that. I am a chameleon, constantly evolving to fit into every imaginable scenario, and somehow, I never change within myself. But there are those few, that I am so close to, I can feel their pain or their joy from thousands of miles away... Mary Ann, Mom, Johnny, my father, and others... so perhaps, perception isn't so simple after all. Perhaps reality is about the intense energy that we build with eachother, and when our bodies have passed on, maybe, just maybe, our energies will bind and become a part of something even greater than ourselves.... or perhaps it is happening now.
The reality of my existence cannot be viewed through anyone else's eyes but my own. For the center of our universe lies inside each and everyone of us. I hope that in the next few weeks, I can find comfort in knowing that one day, perhaps I will be able to open up more of myself to those around me, and perhaps start establishing a normal view point of life. Till then, I will continue to watch those around me become successfull in their relationships, friendships, and marriages, and I will admire it, and at the same time wonder why I cannot seem to put myself in their shoes... but hoping one day, I will. My Reality, My Peace... ~~~DEZ
Dez, you live in the military world which is defined by conformity, but please do not forget, not everything, even day to day earthy life, is not all a sham and most know by now there is no such thing as normal. The majority of us recognize it is just a sterotype, and we live with many, but they are born of ignorance. We all have our own journey's and at what point we find someone, and if we find someone, we want to share that with is variable by far. There is no peace or happiness for you in thinking one day you will conform to what you think others perceive as "normal". That would be like spending your life running towards an illusion as it doesn't exist and that isn't just your reality, that IS reality. Even more so, I love the Desi I know and would not want her any other way!
"Life is just a funny dream, and someday, I'll share this dream with you" - Trey Anastasio
-MA
p.s. I miss stargazing and attending lectures on black matter at the smithsonian with you!!
hey baby girl... I completely understand... and agree. When I wrote this I was in another world, and just needed to get it out. I have many sides and conflicting personalities, and this is just one of them. You know how I am, jumping from one to the next. You, my mom, and others are a testament to the reality of human emotion and love for one another. I just don't always agree with the way civilization gives me rules on the way I should do things, you know?
Yeah, today is a good day. I almost didn't publish these feelings, because I was so intense when I wrote them, but thought they were interesting nonetheless. Next time, I'll write something completely uplifting... Hey, speaking of dark matter... why don't we write our next blog on dark matter??? That would be great!
I love you babe!
did i mention that i think your thoughts are beautiful and you perceive so much you have probably figured out things some people never will!!
-MA
YOU KNOW YOU ARE MI INVALUABLE JEWEL OF PAST AND FUTURE AND I CAN NOT IMAGINE YOU SLOWING DOWN IN YOUR ENERGY CROSSING OF THE UNIVERSE .,
GOD ,OUR GOD. IS THE VERTEX WHERE MATTERV AND ENERGY CROSS, IN THEIR ETERNAL STRUGGLE OF REJECTION FROM ONE ANOTHER AND ENERGY PREVAILS. THERE IS NO EVIL IN ENERGY BECAUSE AS YOU KNOW, IT HAS NO FAILURES AND EVIL,HATE,ETC CAN ONLY PREVAIL I N MATTER AS YOU HAVE SEEN FOR YOURSELF.
O MY DEAR PUPPY I GET SO FASCINATED WHEN I MAKE MY SPACE TRAVELS AND FIND THE SOLUTIONS I BEEN LOOKING FOR SO NEAR AND POWERFUL.
AS YOUR FRIEND SAID, DONT EVER CHANGE MY ,JEWEL BECAUSE YOU ARE HEADED FOR REALITY, THE REALITY YOU AND I SHARE AND GO AFTER-
LOTS OF KISSES AND PLEASE DONT THINK I AM TOO CRAZY OKKKKK????
O BY THE WAY, THAT WAS A BEAUTIFUL QUARTER POUNDER YOUR FRIENDS WERE LIGHTING AT THE BIKES BLESSING NOT TOO USUAL NOW
BYE BYE FOR NOW DEAREST DAUGHTER AND MAY GOD BE ALWAYS AT YOUR SIDE AND NEVER THINK OF LIFE AND DEATH,DEATH DOS NOT EXIST AND LIKE THE POET ONCE SAID ABOUT THE DEAD------------¡THEY DID NOT DIE,THEY LEFT BEFORE-------------------------------------
DADDY IN COSTA RICA
I am spellbound by the three of you my absolute, irresistable philosophers and dreamers. Tears have blurred my vision and I can't hardly see what I am typing. I just want to add to your pondering a phrase by a wonderful poet that you know very well my darling PUPITA, remember? "There is a place beyond time and space. I meet you there."
I love you
Mami
in the infamous words of Jimmy Buffet: "Jimmy, some of it's magic, some of it's tragic, but I've had a good life all the way"
As long as you can look back and appreciate what YOU did for YOURSELF and OTHERS, you have fulfilled whatever it is that we're here for. If you look inside and see the path, there is no other path to follow. Most of the time, if you look for the light at the end of someone else's tunnel, it will be a train.
Keep true to yourself Dez...we all love the person you are!!
Dave, you are forever part Jimmy Buffett...lol... thank you for being so awesome and for the words of support. It's so great to have you back in my life after all these years, and thanks for understanding my multi-faceted insanity! Now, really, 100,000 miles??? Love ya!
I am here to witness such beautiful souls, searching for truth and meaning. How inspiring and humbling it is to know and be present in this moment in time to appreciate such altruistic souls. Keep your search for happiness and remember ¨Be still and know that we are all leaving in the presence of God and God is present in each one of us!
Love and Peace