April 6, 2007

So it finally sinks in, it sinks into my understanding, and it sinks my heart

People can act so caring and play so dumb when called out on their own actions

This simply will not fly

I don’t know why I want to believe in everyone so desperately

Being a perpetual optimist is depressing and the irony of that is overwhelming

I put too much stalk in how others behave,

The past year and a half, several interesting life events collided and I’ve had the misfortune of at once running into the worst of immaturity and ill intensions I’ve ever seen from my same sex and worse, from a once thought close friend

I’ve seen spitefulness the likes of which I never experienced before

I’ve seen jealousy just spew from people I’m quite sure don’t have the capacity of thought to even identify it as an emotion

I’ve seen passive aggressiveness a little too close for comfort

I’ve seen spinning desperation and one-sided shallow competition

I’ve seen clueless self centeredness

I’ve seen strangeness

I am repulsed

Girls, little girls, presenting themselves as women and playing childish games

They see something they want

But, they do not see that it is the very nature of who they choose to be that prevents them from having it

So… they lash out, and I have suffered

My suffering is my responsibility, but the negative effects of the past year a half have accumulated into a true challenge to my psyche

My inner most confidence in myself and others, while never lost, has at times faltered

To have been there, to have experienced it, is to internalize it

Then how do you separate this from who you are?

How do you choose all the players in your life?

How do you REALLY just let go of that which is not what you are about?

Absolute resolve.

Against those trying break others down so that they have something to stand on

I say…find your own ground, stop mucking through quicksand and then wondering why you continue to sink.