August 20, 2007
I had another one of those days this past weekend…those days I ache for the familiarity and warmness of DC. It is amazing how much I internalized that city, and well really, the larger DC, the whole metro area surrounding the city. I didn’t just live there, I felt “there”, it had a pulse that set my internal idol.
But when I really try to put my finger on it, what it was that so bonded me to that place, it was that I came of age there…
I guess most people do that in high school, but for me those years were strife with anxiety. I didn’t learn who I was - I learned how to survive in a violent home. I learned how not to be suffocated by poverty. I learned that a person can have two faces, especially where alcohol is involved. I spent every moment planning and carefully crafting my way out (…maybe that’s why shawshank redemption is my favorite movie, I never thought of that way before, but anyway I digress)…then I went to college, fell in love, and spent five years drowning my neuroticism and inner turmoil with another person’s stillness and peace… image my surprise to learn that that supposed peace never existed in his reality but rather was created by mine for self preservation. His outer actions simply fit the mold. It was moving to DC that eventually closed that chapter in my life. Though I tried to revisit it, it never felt the same – it just felt wrong. So I was set free in DC, free to grow and make all the mistakes that teach you who you are NOT, to experience life in more effervescent emotions, to live by my own agenda, to fumble and blunder, to overcome and accomplish the things that teach you who your ARE, to find every nook and cranny of the city… and to eventually find resolve. I am so thankful for resolve and the resulting good decisions, the best decisions. I guess after all that, after all I found, it is fitting that I would find him, the best him, the forever him. It is as if the city said, I’ve finally given you the best I ever can, move along now…but I guess it was really me who said that to the city. I can see it being a VERY strange place to some but to me its existence is necessary to life. It is forever part of me.
-MA
MA,
My favorite movie is also Shawshank Redemption. Another one that I like is American History X. It sounds like you had a tough childhood and grew into a well mature and polish person as a result. I assume what you're saying is that DC will always be in your memory but you have found and now living in a better place. Thanks for sharing your inner thoughts and best of luck.
Using Shawshank to sum up your journey....Congratulations on your better place......
In 1966, Andy Dufresne escaped from Shawshank prison. All they found of him was a muddy set of prison clothes, a bar of soap, and an old rock hammer, damn near worn down to the nub. I used to think it would take six-hundred years to tunnel under the wall with it. Old Andy did it in less than twenty. Oh, Andy loved Geology, I guess it appealed to his meticulous nature. An ice age here, million years of mountain building there. Geology is the study of pressure and time. That's all it takes really, pressure, and time. That, and a big god-damned poster. Like I said, in prison a man will do anything to keep his mind occupied. It turns out Andy's favourite hobby was totin' his wall through the exercise yard, a handful at a time. I guess after Tommy was killed, he decided he had been here just about long enough. Andy did like he was told, buffed those shoes to a high mirror shine. The guard simply didn't notice, neither did I... I mean, seriously, how often do you really look at a mans shoes? Andy crawled to freedom through five-hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want too. Five-Hundred yards... that's the length of five football fields, just shy of half a mile.